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i am becoming a little obsessive - must find hobby.
2006-06-01 | 1:55 a.m. have you ever been really disgusted with someone? it isn't even so much one person, it's a lifestyle. a way of looking at things & flaunting what you DON'T have, really. it isn't homosexuals or people who wear too much make-up. no, it's just little girls who think doing things makes them all grown up. i admit, i did talk about a lot of the drugs & sex i had in this diary before. i think i did it in a tasteful manner, though. never once in a bragging, this-makes-me-cool way. i never looked at it like that. if anything, i tried to hide it to the best of my ability from people. the only reason it's mentioned here is because it was, at the time, a part of my life & an ordeal that i was going through. i'm not going to say that i'm an adult, although legally i am, but i think i have a stronger grasp on life than a lot of girls in my situation would. all of this ranting brought on by some chick's profile on myspace. how silly, eh? i may sound condescending & uptight in my rant about growing up & taking responsibility, but i think it's how it should be taken. if you're 18, married, & spend all your time partying & hanging out with your friends ... how do you know who you are? what you want? what your husband/partner wants? & most importantly, do you even really care? i wouldn't, honestly. not if i was on drugs & drank myself silly everyday. i couldn't answer those questions & i wouldn't care. i may not be the outgoing, beautiful, lunatic that jesse fell in love with, but i think he can find the beauty & wonder in what i've become - the new way i look at things - the logical side of him. in fact, if i was still the cold, heartless bitch who went around lying & stealing & passing out on bathroom floors, i highly doubt we would still be together. that gets boring & unattractive after awhile. i guess this is just another way to compare myself to kayleigh & feel good about it, though. i don't know why i let her plague my mind so much. she's really nothing special. a boring girl with plain looks, & from what i can tell not much of a personality & no charm. i'm biased, so surely i will never see what he did in her, but i can open myself up to look at her as possible female i would interact with ... & she doesn't make the cut. we have next to nothing in common & she seems like the type to be competitive & cut throat in a friendship. not my type, indeed. in fact, she's the kind of girl i would befriend JUST to teach a lesson. i really don't look bad. i put myself down a lot more than i should. sure, when i don't shower for a day (or two) 'cause i'm sick, & i've laid in bed all day under the covers until i'm sweaty & my hair sticks to my head - i look like crap. but in general, even without make-up, i could still pass for a 6. my body has gone to hell, presumably because of this giant baby inside of me, but i think getting it back will be a breeze. just a little cream for the stretch marks, a gym membership, some visits to the tanning bed to even out my skin, some hair dye, & BAM! i'll be back to normal, maybe better. last friday, i had to stay at the hospital about 3 hours. i went in for an NST & an appointment, but during the NST, they said i started having contractions. they gave me a shot to stop them & had me hooked up o machines to monitor me for a little over an hour. after the hour, they said everything was fine & i could go. i think little lily wants to come before we're quite ready for her. i did pack my suitcase, though, just in case. maybe this weekend we can work on getting the room cleaned up a bit more & then we can buy the crib i've been eyeing. =) jesse didn't work today. he said he woke up with a migraine. poor baby. he called in & i got him some tylenol & a glass of water & sent him to bed. i joined him & we both slept 'til about 2 pm. i hope he feels better today/tomorrow. i hate seeing him trudge out in the mornings when he feels bad. i just want him to be able to go back to bed & let me snuggle him to death. i should really go to bed earlier. )it's 2 a.m.) but it's so HARD to sleep. i can never get comfortable. i blame my weird belly button. it doesn't protrude, but it sure as hell feels funny.
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